A Request to Friends

It has been sixteen months since Adrienne had a hysterectomy.  Saying “we’ve been through a lot” is meaningless truth.  Adie and I will never be parents.  Ultimately the decision was ours, heavily influenced by cold biological facts.  This blog is small catharsis, but its material is not for those with a weak emotional constitution.

We have seen two Mother’s and Father’s Days since the decision.  Each one is easier than the previous.  The first one Adrienne wrote

“There is no I-had-my-uterus-and-ovaries-taken-at-32-so-I-will-never-have-children-of-my-own day. If someone makes one, I hope it’s in August. I don’t have anything else to celebrate in August.”

I will observe this day on August 11th and I am asking our friends to do so with me.  The name isn’t catchy, the sentiment too raw, and it risks emphasizing our infertility.  With a little effort we can all turn this day into something positive. This day we should:

Celebrate the life and happiness we have

We let go of a lifetime of desires and expectations while simultaneously redefining and reorienting ourselves.  This process is not over, but our goal on this day is to be happy with all we have.

Emphasize accomplishments

Birthing and raising children is often quoted as the biggest accomplishment a person can make.  We do not believe it.  Your affirmation drives us on to other altruistic endeavors.

Show that we are whole people

Any -ectomy takes something away from a person.  We felt “broken” and may not get over that.

We are not the only ones

So many couples and singles struggle with their sense of childless self worth.
Think of them on this day.  If you would like to help, it is simple as a phone call, email, tweet or Facebook post just to say “hi” or to remind someone of the good they do.

This day is not about trying or failing to be a parent.  We need neither sympathy nor reminders of our “enviable freedom” and that parenthood is “not all joy“.  At the same time the day’s purpose is not to belittle family.  Reinforce the good things that all of do.

I would like to recognize Mandy Tompkins’ kind help in putting this together.  She has been there before us and gone on.

6 thoughts on “A Request to Friends”

  1. Okay. I knew Adrienne had a hysterectomy, but didn’t know all the gory details until I read a bunch of these posts. I laughed out loud and wept my way through them. If I were the type to give advice (HA! shut up all you people who know I never keep MY mouth shut) … ahem. As I was saying, the advice I would give is “Seize the joy; embrace the sorrow.” But I see you’ve already done that. So glad to know you, and when I say something stupid, just smack me, okay? I celebrate August 11.

  2. I am glad that I could offer my help and my thoughts on my experience and how I have been affected.

    I am always here!!

    Love you both.

  3. I’m just now reading this and am very moved. It may not be August 11, but I’m thinking of all the couples who deal with infertility, and am glad that you are speaking out on their behalf. You guys have been though a lot, but it takes wisdom and courage to turn a difficult situation into something you can learn from. You have each other, and you never know what life will bring you. I’m sure amazing things are on the way for both of you. Thanks for being honest and heartfelt.

  4. Hey, Dean,

    I saw your comments about Adie’s hysterectomy. I can only imagine how tough this has been for the two of you.

    You both would make terrific parents and I believe that you’ll be blessed with the opportunity to show how much caring and love you can truly give to a child. It’s only a matter of time.

    Call or email when you get a chance and let’s catch up on life!


  5. Hi Brett. Thanks for the comment, nice to hear from you.

    Adrienne and I decided not to be parents. We can not have our own; we could adopt. Instead the two of us are putting our energies into other things. She is finishing a doctorate, I am building my own business, we are concentrating on our relationship and the activities that children tend to push out of your life. I know your sentiment is sincere, but it is misplaced. Having children does not fit the life we are making so it is best for us to let go of that desire. I can truly say we are happy and would rather celebrate the life and happiness we have.

Leave a Reply