We Might Be Okay Now, Well Better Than Last Year

Fifty-two months ago Adrienne had a hysterectomy. We have seen four Mother’s and Father’s Days since the decision.  Each one is easier than the previous however for some reason this Father’s day was more melancholy for me than the previous.  The first Mother’s Day Adrienne wrote

There is no I-had-my-uterus-and-ovaries-taken-at-32-so-I-will-never-have-children-of-my-own day. If someone makes one, I hope it’s in August. I don’t have anything else to celebrate in August.

The name isn’t catchy, the sentiment too raw, and it risks emphasizing our infertility.  Whatever it is named, we observe that day on August 11th.  I originally posted a request to our friends in this blog in 2010 where I detail objectives of the day. We receive a nice response each year.

Most of the time we are okay. Every once in a while emotion overwhelms us.  2013 has been pretty good, evidenced by the sparse blog updates on the subject. (Read most of the saga there.)  Thank you to all our friends sending Adie well-wishes yesterday.  It really means a lot to the both of us.  We spent the day playing video games then went to a private restaurant industry party, kind of a typical day off for us.

I am thankful that Adie & I survived the crucible.  Through the moments of weakness, flaring rage and years of emotional strife we built an unshakable relationship that continues to broaden and deepen.  With all we have been through I am profoundly grateful for this relationship borne partly from hardship.

To end this post I want to invite curious readers to ask me about the experience.  I feel compelled to talk about it, however the subject rarely surfaces and most people awkwardly change the subject.  Engage me if you are going through something similar and want to talk, or just want to know what it is like.  I may tear up, but I am better than last year – sadness and joy are part of life.

9 thoughts on “We Might Be Okay Now, Well Better Than Last Year”

  1. I can’t believe that was 52 months ago. I remember taking photos in the hospital that day.

    When making the decision to halt further physical pain from addriene’s condition and the possibility of having children of your own genetic line what was the biggest reason for y’all to forgo pursuing adoption? Was that even a big part of the discussions at the time?

  2. Dean, you and Adie are great friends of mine. You were both there for sort of the renaissance of my 20’s and all the crazy antics that happened in Downtown Bryan.

    I’m dating a girl, pretty seriously right now. We are both child-free and both want to keep it that way. We’ve both decided that having kids just wasn’t something that we wanted. We see other folks who have kids and recognize what it is that they want, but for us, we want something different.

    Perhaps looking at having a child, should be looked at more like a similar debilitating condition. There are some things in life that we are dealt with, such as bad parents, disabled limbs, access to healthcare, etc. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but from my point of view of not wanting kids, it seems like revisiting a sort of “set in stone” situation isn’t the best way to deal with it. Maybe moving past the traumatic event and putting it behind you would serve you better. Kinda like it wouldn’t be good to dwell on not getting an extra degree.

    I don’t mean this in any sort of harmful way, you know me too well to think that. I’m only offering a different perspective.

  3. Toward the end of July this year, while contemplating the approach of August, I thought of yall and Unparents’ Day fully intending to send a note when the 11th rolled around. Then I got wrapped up in my tumultuous and boring life and totally forgot. Oops! Bob and I were fortunate to have children, but we are all too intimate with loss. As we (and our remaining children) grow older, it appears that we will not be fortunate enough to have grandchildren. I know it’s not the same, and we are learning to accept our children’s choice, but our arms ache for those unconceived children more than we could have thought possible. Yall are an inspiration in your devotion to one another and in your willingness to share with the rest of us what a beautiful marriage looks like. We love you both. Namaste.

  4. Dean, There is no one in this world, now or ever that I could have chosen to go through this with Adrienne. You are loved, adored, worried about on a daily basis.


  5. Thank you for this sincere note Judy. Adie and I really enjoyed the time we spent together and think about you two frequently. Letting go is unfathomably difficult, possibly the hardest thing I have done. We are kindred spirits. Hope to see you & Bob next time y’all are in Texas.

  6. Adie & I were recounting the whole saga late into the night yesterday. We remembered the Easter Sunday, two days after her hysterectomy, that we had rabbit tacos and dyed eggs with you. It was a good day, all things considered.

    There was no choice about the hysterectomy, it had to be done to free her from the debilitating pain. It was important for us to make a conscious decision about a direction for the rest of our life, to regain control. We considered adoption for a few months after her surgery. It seemed like we had two options: spend a boatload of money and adopt a healthy child or take a chance with “the system”. After the years of pain we did not want to end up with a problem child. We were also not willing to spend the money to better our chances.

    Gradually we realized that we could spend our time and effort in other pursuits. Adie and I are trying to make a better world in the way we can and lead a good life. It seems to be working.

  7. Though far away Addie and you will always be part of something special in my life but more importantly I know you are special to many, loved by many and daily make a difference in lives of others. My best thoughts and prayers and many many hugs

Leave a Reply